The threshold to marriage

As I was catching up with old friends on facebook this week (thank you fb, you're sooo much better at this than myspace), a startling fact occurred to me. I, am the threshold to marriage.It's true. I'm not one to jump to conclusions. I always say no once before I'll jump into the cold swimming pool of any situation, but numbers don't lie.
Let's take a look at the facts, after which I'm sure we'll agree that a steady relationship with me will put you on the one way train to Matrimony Town, poulation: You. Now, for the sake of this study, let's take only boyfriends, ones that I've had since high school- because, well, I was a late bloomer. Of the dudes I considered full fledged "boyfriends," please observe the following :

Karl: Engaged to his boyfriend (so, he's married if you speak fluent San Francisco, which I do)

Andy: Formerly Married

Matt Davis: Married

Frank: Married


At first glance this isn't that big of a whoop. I'm 26, lots of my friends are married.And come on, there's only 4. The kicker is, they each married the very next person they dated- minus a rebound of course. They're all different ages, from different social circles, and economic backgrounds so that eliminates any, "just that time" bullshit. And yes, there were other dudes, but these were the most serious (can you even use that word when you had braces at the time? whatev) So let's expand the data. Even when you count the not-so-serious, "yeah I guess we were together sorta" guys you have

Jim: Married
Derrick: Cheerleader, so um I'm not sure where that falls
Peter: Touring with a chick and her dad- yeah he's screwed
Jaime: Really shouldn't be considered a boyfriend but I'm sure he's shackin up with someone and by a certain age, that means married
Zack: Pretty sure he's married
Wilton: Well on his way with an amazing girl

Thats still a 6.5/ 9 ratio. I'm no mathematician, but that's compelling. And my most recent serious bf could break the cycle as he is still single. But chances are, the next Greyhound into the IE will have his beloved riding shotgun and carrying a carburetor she rebuilt with an empty pack of smokes and a stick of gum. Bitch. Plus, just looking the 4 hardest hitters, that means that the dude's I considered real bf's, are ALL married. Not some, ALLLLLL. Yeah, wow.

So what does this mean exactly? That if you don't want to get married, Don't Date Me! Seriously, head for the hills man, cause you are gonna get the stank of commitment on you and it's gonna play out like an Axe commercial meets the Ring. No one's safe! You'll be so happy and...grinning- it'll be terrible so just don't ok! Conversely however, if you're lookin to meet the girl of your dreams and settle into some steady wholesome love that'll keep you warm and decently pleased for the rest of your life, date me first I'll fix ya right up. Just think- 6 months with me and I'll exercise all your daemons, teach you to be a gentleman and before you know it, we'll be breaking up over an ill fated text message and you'll be on your way to gettin down on bended knee- boys to men style with an amazingly beautiful woman you can take home to your mother, ending the awkward stand off I've created with my comments on your moms religion and your dads golf obsession. Not to mention your sister thinking I'm a little too smart for my own good and your brother can go back to skateboarding with his friends rather than swapping urban dictionary terms with me at the dinner table-It'll be great! Just think of how much of a handful she WON'T be compared to me, right?

I need a drink....